Why Don’t They Just Get Out?

At Break the Cycle we get lots of emails from teens who want to know if their relationship is unhealthy and what they can do if it is. But lately, we’ve also been getting emails asking why people in abusive relationships don’t just get out. If the situation is so bad, why do they stay with the person? Simple question, right? Well the answer isn’t so. The truth is that ending an abusive relationship is much harder than just saying it’s over and walking away. There are MANY reasons why a person in an abusive situation will remain in the relationship…

Fear – The victim may be afraid of what may happen if they decide to leave the relationship. In fact, ending an abusive relationship can be a very dangerous time for a victim. If they’ve been threatened in the past either by their partner, his/her family or friends, they won’t feel safe leaving. This can include a fear of being “outed” if they’re secretly in a same-sex relationship.

Embarrassment – Some people are not willing to admit that they’re relationship is abusive. Recognizing and telling someone that one’s own relationship is unhealthy and that a partner is being hurtful is not an easy thing to do. This can be especially true for male victims.

Low self-esteem – People go through many different things in life, good and bad. And if they find themselves in an abusive relationship where they are constantly put down and blamed for things, after a while they may begin to believe it’s true and that they deserve the abuse.

Believing abuse is normal – If a person grew up in an environment where there was always abuse, especially domestic abuse between their parents, they may not know what a healthy relationship looks like, which means they likely don’t realize there is something wrong with their own relationship. And unfortunately, no one really talks about what healthy and unhealthy relationships look like. It’s hard to correct any misperceptions we may carry if all we have to model our behaviors after is whatever is happening at home.

Pregnancy or parenting – If there’s a baby in the picture the person may feel pressure to raise their baby with both parents together, even if that means enduring the abuse. They may also feel scared that their abusive partner will try to harm the child or take the child away if they leave.

Love – This can be one of the toughest. Think about it. Love is a strong emotion. If the person you love tells you they will change, of course you’ll want that to be true. So you stay, hoping that change will happen and that you will be happy. It’s hard to blame someone for loving, believing and hoping.

So as you can see, for these reasons (and many others!) walking away from an abusive relationship is not easy. So if you know someone or hear of someone who may be involved in an unhealthy relationship, don’t make them feel worse than they probably already do. Understand that their situation is unique and likely complicated. Offer to find them help. And above all give them your support. Visit www.thesafespace.org to find out what you can do.
-G

Get Involved in Teen Dating Violence Prevention!

Lately, I’ve been talking to a lot of adults about how to get teens involved in the movement to end teen dating violence. Many adults believe that teenagers really don’t care or they just aren’t motivated enough to stand up and be heard on this issue. Well, I don’t think that’s true at all.

I have met many students who thought that dating violence was wrong and really wanted to help make a difference in their schools and communities. What was the number one thing stopping them? . . . the fact that they didn’t know very much about dating violence until I came to talk to them about it. I think that if more teenagers knew about dating violence and just how prevalent it is among their peers, more of them would want to do something about it. Just think . . . if one in three teens will experience some form of dating violence in their lives, how many people would that be at your school? I bet it’s a big number. Now think about your town or city. Wow, right? So what can you do?

One of the things that I tell adults who want to work with teens is that they have to meet young people on their turf. And who do you think is going to tell adults how to talk to teenagers? That’s right . . . YOU! Don’t wait for an adult to make the first move. Go to them with your ideas. Besides, sometimes teens need adults to get them access to things that can be difficult to get on their own, like video equipment or the use of a building or public space and the list goes on. In fact, I have worked with quite a few groups of students who did awesome class projects about dating violence. Some of them made short documentaries, performed skits and others conducted interviews with their classmates and showed the results to the student body at an assembly. These teens did something. So can you!

If you really want to make your voice heard, you CAN do something to raise awareness about teen dating violence and its devastating effects. For more ideas on how to get started, visit www.thesafespace.org/take-action.

-T

Teen Dating Violence State Report Cards | New Jersey

So, as many of you may know, Break the Cycle has released its 2009 teen dating violence state report cards. If you don’t know, this report gives every state a grade based on the protection that its state laws give to teen victims of dating violence. If you want to see exactly what factors were considered when grading states – click on this link and go to page 6.

I am from New Jersey, so today I am going to look at how it scored – and why. You can follow this link to see the full report for New Jersey. If you open the link – you will see that New Jersey got a “C” – that might be average in school but it means that the law definitely needs improvement when teens’ safety is at risk.

Why did New Jersey get a C? Let’s look at one of the reasons: You can get a restraining order without parental involvement if you are under 18 (a good thing). However, it seems that in New Jersey you can only get a restraining order against someone who is 18 years old or over – this makes it almost impossible for someone to protect themselves against an abuser if he/she is under 18, and if the victim is under 18 it’s pretty likely that the person they were dating was too. It’s unsettling to think that a minor can only protect themselves against adults and not against other minors, when a minor can be just as dangerous as an adult. New Jersey, let’s change this!

I encourage you to look at your state’s grade and reflect on what it means, and what it would mean if you or someone you knew needed to get a restraining order and couldn’t. Share your state’s report card with everyone you know. Let’s make sure everyone gets the protection that they deserve!

-J

Is Arguing a Sign of an Unhealthy Relationship?

Hi everyone! My name is Susannah and I’m lucky enough to get to hang out with young people every week and talk about relationships – as my job! I go into schools and organizations around Los Angeles to talk about what it means to be in a relationship that might be unhealthy or abusive, and also what it means to be in a relationship that is healthy.

Sometimes when I’m working with groups of students I’ll have them make lists of what they think belongs in a healthy relationship, and what behaviors they think might occur in an unhealthy or abusive relationship. On the healthy side, groups are usually in agreement that healthy relationships are respectful and supportive, fun and safe. On the unhealthy side, most groups include hitting, screaming, put-downs, and so on.

One thing I’ve noticed is that more often than not, arguing and disagreements wind up on the unhealthy and abusive side of the list.

Here’s the thing - no matter how healthy your relationship is, there will likely be things that you and your partner disagree about. Even when you’re in a serious, committed relationship you’re still your own person, so naturally you won’t always see eye-to-eye with your boyfriend or girlfriend. It’s okay to disagree. Feeling comfortable enough with your partner to be able to voice your opinion, even if it’s not a shared opinion, is a healthy part of any relationship.

However, putting arguing on the unhealthy list makes a very important point: No argument should ever make you feel controlled or intimidated by your partner. No disagreement should ever make you feel unsafe.

Relationships should make you feel good about yourself. If the disagreements you’re having with your boyfriend or girlfriend are getting in the way of that, it may be worth taking a second look at whether or not this is the healthy relationship you deserve. And if the arguments in your relationship ever make you feel scared, it’s definitely worth reaching out to get some help.

What do you think about arguments in relationships? Have any good stories about healthy arguments you’ve had with your boyfriend or girlfriend? We want to hear them!

How well does your state protect its victims of teen dating violence?

Every year, as part of their fight to end domestic and dating violence, Break the Cycle analyzes the state laws affecting teen victims of dating and domestic violence and releases its state report cards. Each state is graded on the requirements needed for a teen to get a restraining order. Unfortunately, many teens face significant obstacles when trying to get restraining orders when they need them.

Help Break the Cycle spread its state report cards by re-posting these links on your Facebook, Myspace, Twitter and wherever else you can. By spreading these reports as much as possible YOU help to ensure that teens get the protection they NEED regardless of what state they live in.

Check out your states report card!

http://www.breakthecycle.org/resources-state-law-report-cards-2009.html

Read the article about Break the Cycle's report cards!

http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5i-QLCX_pplnxQOzCAw9kNz1thi3QD9745M284

Don’t Sit Quietly. Speak Up.

Hello there. This is “G” and yes, you can call me G. I also work at Break the Cycle. Every now and then you’ll find me blogging here, for the most part offering tidbits about how domestic and dating violence has affected some people—anonymous names, of course. I think it’s important to share these types of experiences so that youth can get a better understanding of what it is to be a victim and why it’s important to give and get help. So to begin, I’ll share an experience of mine…

Not long ago, a couple moved in next door. Even though they seemed to quietly keep to themselves, I quickly learned that their relationship was not as breezy as it appeared. Soon there were arguments, slamming doors, and frequent storming down the stairs. It was a terrible situation from where I stood.

One recent night, around 1:30 in the morning, I was suddenly awakened by the screams of the woman next door. At first I couldn’t tell what she was saying, only that there was sincere panic in her voice. I sat up in bed right away, quickly trying to make sense of what was happening. Was it a burglar? Was she having a bad dream? As I tried to wrap my head around the situation I immediately heard the voice of the man, hard, cursing, yelling…angry. It scared me; they were just one wall away. And then I heard her clearly, “Somebody call the police!” Again and again she screamed.

I jumped out of bed and ran for my phone. I called the police and told them what I knew: my neighbor was screaming for help; a domestic violence situation. She asked if I was safe, if I was inside and away from the situation. I said yes. She then thanked me for calling and said the police would be over soon.

The police did come in a matter of minutes. I peered out my window quietly, trying to catch a glimpse. They never came to my door but they did speak to both the man and the woman separately. I was still concerned for the woman but I was confident that the police would deal with the situation appropriately. So I went back to bed, 30 minutes after the whole thing had started. She moved out the next day.

So what’s the moral of the story? That I practice what I preach? No, not exactly. The lesson is, do something to offer help. Never put yourself in harm’s way, obviously. But if you’re witness to a situation where someone is being hurt by their partner, don’t sit quietly hoping someone else will do the talking for you. Speak up. Don’t put yourself in the middle of the situation, especially if there is physical violence. But do find a safe way to get help. Call the police. Tell a security guard. Find someone who can help. Abuse is never okay. Don’t stand for it. In that moment, you just might save a life.

Do you have a similar story that you’d like to share? Or how about commenting on whether you would’ve done something different? I welcome your contributions.

Rihanna: When media influence goes too far.

Rihanna decided not to leave him. That is her choice. It is a difficult situation for many reasons and Rihanna should not be punished for deciding to stay with him. Many people, however, are judging Rihanna for staying with Chris Brown. Critics have said she is not a good role model, have created a petition to remove Rihanna (as well as Chris Brown) from the kid’s choice awards, some have even said that if she doesn’t leave him, she deserves what will happen to her.

Rihanna is in a very difficult situation, as is anyone experiencing domestic or teen dating violence. She obviously cares for Chris and is attached to him. It is hard enough to leave a relationship if you love someone and even harder if they are abusive. Many women go back to their abusers, it’s not just Rihanna, and it is not our place to judge them if that is the decision they make. The person who will suffer the most in this entire situation is Rhianna—we don’t need to do anything to punish her any further.

Rihanna needs support now. Revoking Rihanna’s role-model status, trying to remove her nomination from the kid’s choice awards, and all together not being her fan anymore all seem to be more like punishment then support. By doing these things, these critics, are in effect taking away Rihanna’s support. Rihanna is a musician, she supports herself by being in the public eye and being viewed publically in a positive light. Taking support away from her by putting her in such a negative light is saying that it is ok to punish someone for being abused if they choose to go back to their abuser. But really, it is not ok. Rihanna needs support to heal, and to stay strong -especially if she needs to leave him in the future.