Chris Brown's interview: The Right Choice?

This evening, CNN will be airing an interview with Chris Brown that has already received significant press due to a comment made my Mr. Brown regarding his recollection of the events that led to the abuse of his former girlfriend, Rihanna. While that comment will most certainly cause great concern amongst advocates in the Domestic Violence community, we should focus on the bigger issues raised by this interview.

"I still love his music.” “She hit him first." - these are a few of the comments consistently seen on webpages discussing tonight's interview. Somehow, young people and adults have created a misconception that if one's music is popular, than that must mean this person is without fault. Liking or disliking Chris Brown's music is not relevant to the seriousness of his crime. They have also determined that Rihanna's actions somehow warranted the severe abuse she received at the hands of Chris Brown. As the law states, one cannot use physical force against another unless they are in fear for their lives. Chris Brown most certainly was not in a life threatening situation, so his assault was unjustified. Beyond that, there is simply is no excuse for the physical and emotional damage evident in the photos leaked of Rihanna. Perhaps those who continue to support Chris Brown should step back and imagine if they had been in Rihanna's shoes.

Chris Brown has yet to receive any counseling or rehabilitation for his issues with anger and abuse. Thus, he is asking for forgiveness before he has earned it. It is not surprising that Chris Brown turned to the media as a "safe haven" to share his side of the story. The question is - should he be allowed to share his side? At this point, after recently receiving conviction and sentencing, it seems the answer would be “no”. This looks like a career salvaging move, something a record label suggested -- "You still have fans! Go on television and make people feel sorry for you!"

As Chris Brown has done nothing to warrant such sympathy or forgiveness - at times, displaying a total lack of knowledge and insight from his comments about "not remembering the incident" to his mother still speaking with Rihanna - he does not deserve a forum to capitalize on the young people who still support his music. I am concerned that when the media offers him this platform it gives the appearance that they excuse his actions. Punishment is meant to be a deterrent towards violence and crime. If Chris Brown continues to be provided a forum to gain sympathy - what kind of deterrent has been made?

When the media is ready to cover this issue responsibly, Break the Cycle is happy to share our expertise.

Abuse in gay relationships? Apparently not.

Just when we thought we broke through one barrier, it seems someone was quick to put up another. Last week, House lawmakers in South Carolina approved a bill (H. 3543) that will require schools to have policies in place for reporting and responding to dating violence. This bill also requires that schools provide information about teen dating violence to students and their parents—great news, right?! Well no, not exactly. Unfortunately, someone felt it was important to explicitly state on the bill that this ONLY relates to heterosexual relationships. Gays need not apply.

As if making this change to the bill weren’t bad enough, the most disturbing thing about this change is that the bill itself did not make any reference to gay relationships, or any specific type of relationship, for that matter. On May 13, 2009, the bill stated the following:

“'Dating partner' means a person, regardless of gender, involved in an intimate relationship with another, primarily characterized by the expectation of affectionate involvement whether casual, serious, or long term.”

Apparently this wasn’t enough for Rep. Greg Delleney (R-Chester) who requested the amendment and so on May 14, 2009 the bill was changed to the following:

“'Dating partner' means a person involved in a heterosexual dating relationship with another.”

To go out of one’s way to make this point clear is such an overt act of discrimination. Rep. Delleney simply said he did not want children to be taught about gay relationships. It seems he didn’t get the memo which states that the bill is simply intended to teach (ALL youth) about healthy relationships and recognizing abuse. I wonder what he’d say to parents of abuse victims in same-sex relationships—“Sorry, your child just isn’t covered by our policy.”

It’s also mind boggling that one of the original bill sponsors had no issue with the suggested amendment. Rep. Joan Brady (R-Richland) said she wants every child to be protected but that dating violence occurs with more frequency in heterosexual relationships. We have news for you, Rep. Joan Brady…abuse does happen in gay relationships, more than you and I could ever imagine. Oh, and it also happens to the rich, poor, black, white and everyone in between, below, above and beyond.

It’s probably true that we don’t have alarming statistics to show the high rates in which dating violence occurs in gay relationships. But perhaps we’re not asking the right questions. Perhaps we’re not doing a good job of addressing the issue within the LGBTQ community which, by the way, faces greater challenges when seeking help than victims in heterosexual relationships.

And if this is how people in power are likely to respond when they have the opportunity to do something about it, then how could we ever expect victims in gay relationships to report the abuse? Thanks to an obviously callous lack of support, we may never really know how bad it really is. Abuse happens and it happens a lot. Abuse does not discriminate, but sadly people do.
-G

Dating Abuse on T.V??

Today I stumbled upon PADV’s Teen Scene blog (it’s great, you should check it out!) and was struck by an entry that they had written about the Death Cab for Cutie song “I will possess your heart .” If you haven’t heard the song, you can listen to it here and check out PADV’s blog for the lyrics. Among other things, the post talks about how at first listen, the song is catchy, beautiful and melodic. However, when you listen closely you notice that the lyrics paint a picture of someone who is possessive and who, at times, acts like a stalker.

I remember, distinctly, that a few weeks ago, I had heard “I will possess your heart” on KROQ and had thought “these lyrics are creepy/this guy sounds like a stalker/abuser.” I thought that. And then I almost immediately forgot it, until I read the PADV teen scene blog.

The blog also had a post about The Hills and abusive relationships, which made me think about all the instances of abusive behavior I had seen on t.v. lately. That made me think about how a lot of the time, signs of abusive relationships and abuse in general (especially the verbal and emotional kind) go unnoticed on tv, music and in all forms of entertainment. It’s important to recognize abuse as abuse when you see it, whether it be on t.v or in real life, because whether we want to admit it or not, the things that we see around us affect the way we act. Being aware of abuse on t.v. and in the media can help us to better recognize and protect ourselves from abuse in our lives and around us.

Can you think of a song, tv show or movie where abusive behaviors are featured? Do you think seeing abuse in the media has an effect on the viewer? Tell me what you think.

Why Don’t They Just Get Out?

At Break the Cycle we get lots of emails from teens who want to know if their relationship is unhealthy and what they can do if it is. But lately, we’ve also been getting emails asking why people in abusive relationships don’t just get out. If the situation is so bad, why do they stay with the person? Simple question, right? Well the answer isn’t so. The truth is that ending an abusive relationship is much harder than just saying it’s over and walking away. There are MANY reasons why a person in an abusive situation will remain in the relationship…

Fear – The victim may be afraid of what may happen if they decide to leave the relationship. In fact, ending an abusive relationship can be a very dangerous time for a victim. If they’ve been threatened in the past either by their partner, his/her family or friends, they won’t feel safe leaving. This can include a fear of being “outed” if they’re secretly in a same-sex relationship.

Embarrassment – Some people are not willing to admit that they’re relationship is abusive. Recognizing and telling someone that one’s own relationship is unhealthy and that a partner is being hurtful is not an easy thing to do. This can be especially true for male victims.

Low self-esteem – People go through many different things in life, good and bad. And if they find themselves in an abusive relationship where they are constantly put down and blamed for things, after a while they may begin to believe it’s true and that they deserve the abuse.

Believing abuse is normal – If a person grew up in an environment where there was always abuse, especially domestic abuse between their parents, they may not know what a healthy relationship looks like, which means they likely don’t realize there is something wrong with their own relationship. And unfortunately, no one really talks about what healthy and unhealthy relationships look like. It’s hard to correct any misperceptions we may carry if all we have to model our behaviors after is whatever is happening at home.

Pregnancy or parenting – If there’s a baby in the picture the person may feel pressure to raise their baby with both parents together, even if that means enduring the abuse. They may also feel scared that their abusive partner will try to harm the child or take the child away if they leave.

Love – This can be one of the toughest. Think about it. Love is a strong emotion. If the person you love tells you they will change, of course you’ll want that to be true. So you stay, hoping that change will happen and that you will be happy. It’s hard to blame someone for loving, believing and hoping.

So as you can see, for these reasons (and many others!) walking away from an abusive relationship is not easy. So if you know someone or hear of someone who may be involved in an unhealthy relationship, don’t make them feel worse than they probably already do. Understand that their situation is unique and likely complicated. Offer to find them help. And above all give them your support. Visit www.thesafespace.org to find out what you can do.
-G

Teen Dating Violence State Report Cards | New Jersey

So, as many of you may know, Break the Cycle has released its 2009 teen dating violence state report cards. If you don’t know, this report gives every state a grade based on the protection that its state laws give to teen victims of dating violence. If you want to see exactly what factors were considered when grading states – click on this link and go to page 6.

I am from New Jersey, so today I am going to look at how it scored – and why. You can follow this link to see the full report for New Jersey. If you open the link – you will see that New Jersey got a “C” – that might be average in school but it means that the law definitely needs improvement when teens’ safety is at risk.

Why did New Jersey get a C? Let’s look at one of the reasons: You can get a restraining order without parental involvement if you are under 18 (a good thing). However, it seems that in New Jersey you can only get a restraining order against someone who is 18 years old or over – this makes it almost impossible for someone to protect themselves against an abuser if he/she is under 18, and if the victim is under 18 it’s pretty likely that the person they were dating was too. It’s unsettling to think that a minor can only protect themselves against adults and not against other minors, when a minor can be just as dangerous as an adult. New Jersey, let’s change this!

I encourage you to look at your state’s grade and reflect on what it means, and what it would mean if you or someone you knew needed to get a restraining order and couldn’t. Share your state’s report card with everyone you know. Let’s make sure everyone gets the protection that they deserve!

-J

Rihanna: When media influence goes too far.

Rihanna decided not to leave him. That is her choice. It is a difficult situation for many reasons and Rihanna should not be punished for deciding to stay with him. Many people, however, are judging Rihanna for staying with Chris Brown. Critics have said she is not a good role model, have created a petition to remove Rihanna (as well as Chris Brown) from the kid’s choice awards, some have even said that if she doesn’t leave him, she deserves what will happen to her.

Rihanna is in a very difficult situation, as is anyone experiencing domestic or teen dating violence. She obviously cares for Chris and is attached to him. It is hard enough to leave a relationship if you love someone and even harder if they are abusive. Many women go back to their abusers, it’s not just Rihanna, and it is not our place to judge them if that is the decision they make. The person who will suffer the most in this entire situation is Rhianna—we don’t need to do anything to punish her any further.

Rihanna needs support now. Revoking Rihanna’s role-model status, trying to remove her nomination from the kid’s choice awards, and all together not being her fan anymore all seem to be more like punishment then support. By doing these things, these critics, are in effect taking away Rihanna’s support. Rihanna is a musician, she supports herself by being in the public eye and being viewed publically in a positive light. Taking support away from her by putting her in such a negative light is saying that it is ok to punish someone for being abused if they choose to go back to their abuser. But really, it is not ok. Rihanna needs support to heal, and to stay strong -especially if she needs to leave him in the future.

Just Playing??

- I work with teens and young adults to teach them about dating violence. We talk a lot about family, friends and the constant pressures and stresses in society. I’ve decided to blog about my experiences and share some of what I learn with you. Be sure to offer your opinions and comment on my blogs! You can also email me with questions or requests to read about a particular topic. You can reach me at tabitha.joyner@breakthecycle.org. Talk to you soon! -Tabitha

We were just playing!!

I usually hear very interesting things when I teach middle and high school students about dating violence. Sometimes I just talk to students to find out what they think about certain issues. One day I asked some students if they ever see their peers physically abusing their boyfriends or girlfriends at school and everyone said no. I repeated the question later and said hitting instead of physical abuse. This time someone mentioned the notion of “play fighting”. Basically partners hit, kick, slap and wrestle with one another, but they’re just playing. Everything’s cool and no one comes away hurt or upset. I asked the students if they ever did this with their partners. Most of the students said that they did play fight and they felt that it was okay. I was shocked to hear that a lot of teens see nothing wrong with putting their hands on someone in this way as long as they’re just playing. Some teens believe that this is how boys and girls show how much they care about one another. Apparently a lot of middle and high school couples engage in this kind of “affection”.

A lot of teachers say that they see couples hit one another in the hallways and classrooms, but when they intervene the students act as though there is nothing wrong. Many adults see this behavior and say that the students lack respect for themselves and for their partners. Many teens disagree and feel that play fighting has nothing to do with how much or how little they respect someone.

But is this really just playful flirting? Who says that no one is hurt by it? Some of the students in the group said that play fighting CAN get out of hand. According to one student, “. . . at first you’re playing, but then someone gets hurt on accident. Then they get angry and decide to hit you back harder . . .” This is usually how these situations escalate into real fights. At this point the angry partner uses the excuse that the other person took it too far and they were just reacting or trying to defend themselves. Often times neither partner is willing to speak up and say that they have been injured, physically or emotionally. They would rather move on and not address what happened.

This is really sad because this is a prime example of physical abuse and it’s happening to so many teens and they don’t even realize it. Hitting your partner is unhealthy, period. Don’t get me wrong, people enjoy pillow fights and the occasional tickle match, but when you can actually hurt someone by YOUR actions (hitting, pushing, slapping, etc), you’ve gone too far, regardless of your intentions.

Tell me what you think about play fighting. Is it something you see at your school? Is it okay to hit your partner? Is it okay for them to hit you?

To learn more about teen dating violence visit
www.thesafespace.org and www.breakthecycle.org

When a man is a baby, -boy!

I will be blogging here from time to time about things relevant to teen dating violence that I see in/on tv/the internet and other media. I decided to join with this cause because I have known teens who have experienced dating violence and have seen the damage it can do. And I want to do what I can to stop what I saw happen to my friends happen to others. Feel free to comment about my blogs or email me @ digital@breakthecycle.org. I hope to hear from you soon! -J

I was eating pizza on Hollywood boulevard and I found myself watching the movie Baby Boy on the TV in the pizza shop. I had never seen the movie before but was stricken by one scene in particular. To give you a little background on the movie, Jody is both the boyfriend of Yvette and the father of her child.

The scene begins with Yvette accusing Jody of cheating on her. Jody denies it at first but then finally admits it. Yvette gets angry, says “I’m sick of you cheating on me,” and starts to hit Jody. Jody tells Yvette to stop. She keeps hitting him. Jody hits her in the face. He says he won’t do it again. He promises he will make it up to her. He says he loves her.

Granted, this is a movie, and the characters are assumed to be fictional. Nevertheless, it still says a lot about abuse and how people think about it. First of all, abuse can happen to anyone. In this case BOTH of the people are being abusive. Jody cheated on Yvette and lied to her and Yvette hit him back. As upsetting as that can be, violence is never the right tool to fix something. Then Jody hit Yvette after she started hitting him. Hitting someone in return is not necessarily ok; self-defense should only be used to protect oneself from serious injury or death. Jody escalated the situation by hitting her when he could have backed off. Violence is NEVER ok.

And for my second point, abuse can continue even when the physical abuse is over.

Take Jody for example: He goes over to Yvette’s house the next day and “apologizes,” saying “I’m sorry I hit you, okay? You blacked my eye, too.*” In this attempt at apology, Jody both says he is sorry, and tries to make an excuse for his actions by bringing up the fact that Yvette also hit him. This is really just an extension of the abuse he already subjected Yvette to. By making Yvette feel guilty for hitting him, he is trying to make hitting her OK. Abusers often make the people they abuse feel guilty about what happened to them in an effort to make their abusive tendencies OK. BUT Abuse is NEVER the victims fault. The abuser is the one who makes the decision to hurt another person. NOT anyone else. NOT the victim.\

What do you think about Jody and Yvette?

Check out www.thesafespace.org for more information and resources on teen dating violence.

*taken from http://www.script-o-rama.com/movie_scripts/b/baby-boy-script-transcript.html