They Just Watched

***Disclaimer***

Due to the serious nature of domestic and dating violence, this posts contains language that is considered graphic.

Last week, a young girl’s life was changed forever. Looking forward to a fun time at a school dance, she probably took her time getting ready wanting to make sure everything was perfect. Maybe she did her hair and put on some make-up. Took a glance (or several) in the mirror to make sure her dress and shoes were just right. Leaving her house, she probably told somebody goodbye, not realizing how significant those words would really be. Then she went to the dance. Probably saw some friends; maybe even danced. And when she left, nothing would be the same.

A 15-year-old was gang raped by at least five guys. For over two hours. Five, ten minutes in a scary situation can leave a mark. What does 120 minutes do to a person when they’re being torn to shreds, physically, mentally, emotionally? I wish no one would ever have to find out.

And it doesn’t end there. Others stood around and watched as this happened. They WATCHED. Maybe they laughed as they cheered the rapists on. Still others heard what was happening and what did they do? Did they call? Not exactly. They stopped by to see for themselves. Some even jumped in. For over TWO HOURS a young girl was RAPED by SEVERAL others. And they just watched. Not until the news fell on one person who understood the horror of it all, did it finally end. Of course, it doesn’t end there for the young girl who lived through it. Her experience of it is only beginning.

Over the past week, people, experts have been trying to make sense of it all. Why did no one say a thing? Why didn’t the witnesses make it stop? But the bottom line is there are no reasons. There is no excuse to do such a thing to someone. There is no excuse not to do something about it. You don’t just ignore it. You don’t just watch.

I wish I could say that this won’t happen again; that it’s the last time a young girl will be hurt in this way. But, sadly, violence against women is happening. A lot. Never be a spectator or just a witness to such a horrible crime. Find a safe way to get help. Find a safe way to speak up.

Learn more about sexual assault and what you can do to help.

A Volunteer's Perspective

Hi there! My name is Teresa and I'm a volunteer at Break the Cycle. I am a senior in college, so I can easily relate to a lot of the experiences and challenges that visitors to our website deal with. A large part of what I do includes answering some of the "Ask Anything" emails that we receive from The Safe Space. Although many of the questions we receive ask for advice on how to safely end a potentially abusive relationship, it has become clear that the issue of domestic and dating violence is widespread and affects many different aspects of teens' lives.

There is a wide variety of emails that come in. These can range from one person asking how they can help their friend get out of an abusive relationship, to another person feeling like they have nowhere to go because they have a child with their abusive boyfriend or girlfriend, to another person who has ended their abusive relationship but is still dealing with the repercussions of the abuse. This shows that the issue of domestic and dating violence is very complex; our job is to try to connect these people to resources that can help their particular situation.

As awareness about teen dating violence has increased nationwide, the emails have increasingly indicated that people are learning how to recognize the warning signs of an abusive relationship. Recognizing the warning signs of abuse is very important because if you don't realize there is a problem, how can you fix it? I am glad that teens are becoming better informed about the dynamics of abusive relationships, because education is the first step to prevention. Yet it is clear that we still have a long way to go in educating teens about the issue of domestic and dating violence.

So what can you do? Continue to visit The Safe Space at http://www.thesafespace.org/ and encourage your friends and classmates to do the same. There you will find many handouts about various topics related to domestic and dating violence, from information about warning signs of abuse, to how to prevent technology from becoming a tool for abuse, to information about your particular state's laws concerning teens and their rights when it comes to dating violence.

When it comes to answering emails, one thing that I learned is that every situation is unique; what works for one person might not work for another. The important thing to remember is that there are options. And if you can't find the information you need, email us--that is what we are here for!

You can reach us at askanything@thesafespace.org.

October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. 10 ways to Get involved!

Each year in the United States, 2.3 million people are physically or sexually assaulted by a spouse, boyfriend or girlfriend.[1] Adults are not the only ones affected by relationship violence, one in three teens reports experiencing abuse in a relationship[2] . With statistics like that it’s almost certain that a friend, a relative or someone you know has been or will be abused in a relationship. Because relationship violence affects everyone, it’s important that we all join the effort to stop it! So what can you do?

Here is a list of ways you can do your part to raise awareness during Domestic Violence Awareness Month:

1. Visit thesafespace.org, the most comprehensive dating abuse resource online.
2. Wear a purple ribbon all month to show your support for ending violence.
3. Change your Facebook and MySpace status to “I support healthy relationships – take the healthy relationship quiz!” and attach this link http://www.thesafespace.org/pop-quiz/quiz-is-your-relationship-healthy/
4. Volunteer your time at a local DV shelter or organization.
5. How has dating violence affected you? Write a blog about it and send it to us we might publish it!
6. Make copies of this poster and ask your local schools, youth-centers and libraries to put it up.
7. Concerned about a loved one's relationship? Talk to them about it!
8. Become a fan of thesafespace on Facebook and friend us on MySpace!
9. Write a letter to your principal telling them you want the school to take action against dating violence on campus.
10. Send this list to as many friends as you can and get them to join effort to end domestic and dating violence!

Check out http://www.thesafespace.org/spotlight/ for more ways you can help to end dating violence!


[1] National Institute of Justice and Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, “Extent, Nature, and Consequences of Intimate Partner Violence: Findings from the National Violence Against Women Survey.” July 2000.

[2] Carolyn Tucker Halpern, Ph.D. et al., “Partner Violence Among Adolescents in Opposite-Sex Romantic Relationships: Findings From the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health.” American Journal of Public Health 91 (2001) 1680.

Jon & Kate +8?

....................There has been a lot of talk lately surrounding Jon and Kate Gosselin regarding their split. There have also been rumors saying that Jon Gosselin is now claiming that he was emotionally abused by Kate and emotionally broken down by her. Are you a fan of the show? Is there an episode or a moment from the show that you remember where they treated one another in an unhealthy or abusive way? In your opinion, what would have been a better way to deal with these situations? Also, there is little talk about how the children may be affected by all of this. What effect do you think this has on their children?

Click Here to see what Jon has to say

Warning Signs of Dating Violence

A visitor to our site wrote us the following e-mail regarding the person that she was dating:

“My boyfriend hasn’t had an easy life. He hasn’t been able to control the things that happen. So I expected him to be a little controlling when we first got together. Except lately we have been fighting. He is jealous, possesive, controlling. When I pointed this out to him he calmed down and things were really good for awhile. Now the signs are starting to come back. What can I do to show him I love him but also explain to him he needs to change?”

If you or someone you know is experiencing the same or similar behaviors in a person they are dating keep the following things in mind:

- Being jealous, possessive and controlling are NOT ok.
- Although these actions are not abuse per se, they are warning signs of potential abuse.
- There is never an excuse to hurt someone in any way – even if you have had a hard life.
- Everyone deserves to be in a healthy relationship that consists of mutual trust, respect and support.

If you are experiencing warning signs in your relationship and decide to stay in the relationship its important to have a talk with your significant other:
- Let them know that you will leave if the abusive behaviors continue.
- Focus on your own needs and be clear about how you want them to change. Don’t accept excuses if they do not change their behavior.
- Encourage your partner to get help. Domestic violence programs can teach themm to have violence-free relationships.
- Your partner should have a positive attitude towards change. If they admit that what they are doing is not ok they are more likely to stop.

If you decide to leave the relationship it is important to know that abuse can get worse when you try to leave a relationship. That’s why it’s a very good idea to create safety plan. A safety plan can help you avoid dangerous and know the best way to react when you are in danger. Visit The Safe Space to download our safety planning guidebooks.

Being in an abusive relationship can make you feel isolated. Talk to a friend you trust about what is going on. You shouldn’t have to deal with this alone. There is help.
Remember, if you need to talk to someone about your specific situation email us at: askanything@thesafespace.org or visit us @ www.thesafespace.org

Chris Brown's interview: The Right Choice?

This evening, CNN will be airing an interview with Chris Brown that has already received significant press due to a comment made my Mr. Brown regarding his recollection of the events that led to the abuse of his former girlfriend, Rihanna. While that comment will most certainly cause great concern amongst advocates in the Domestic Violence community, we should focus on the bigger issues raised by this interview.

"I still love his music.” “She hit him first." - these are a few of the comments consistently seen on webpages discussing tonight's interview. Somehow, young people and adults have created a misconception that if one's music is popular, than that must mean this person is without fault. Liking or disliking Chris Brown's music is not relevant to the seriousness of his crime. They have also determined that Rihanna's actions somehow warranted the severe abuse she received at the hands of Chris Brown. As the law states, one cannot use physical force against another unless they are in fear for their lives. Chris Brown most certainly was not in a life threatening situation, so his assault was unjustified. Beyond that, there is simply is no excuse for the physical and emotional damage evident in the photos leaked of Rihanna. Perhaps those who continue to support Chris Brown should step back and imagine if they had been in Rihanna's shoes.

Chris Brown has yet to receive any counseling or rehabilitation for his issues with anger and abuse. Thus, he is asking for forgiveness before he has earned it. It is not surprising that Chris Brown turned to the media as a "safe haven" to share his side of the story. The question is - should he be allowed to share his side? At this point, after recently receiving conviction and sentencing, it seems the answer would be “no”. This looks like a career salvaging move, something a record label suggested -- "You still have fans! Go on television and make people feel sorry for you!"

As Chris Brown has done nothing to warrant such sympathy or forgiveness - at times, displaying a total lack of knowledge and insight from his comments about "not remembering the incident" to his mother still speaking with Rihanna - he does not deserve a forum to capitalize on the young people who still support his music. I am concerned that when the media offers him this platform it gives the appearance that they excuse his actions. Punishment is meant to be a deterrent towards violence and crime. If Chris Brown continues to be provided a forum to gain sympathy - what kind of deterrent has been made?

When the media is ready to cover this issue responsibly, Break the Cycle is happy to share our expertise.

If you see something, say something

All over the New York subways there’s an ad campaign that states “if you see something, say something”. When I first saw these ads I thought they were amusing, but painfully obvious. Of course if you see a crime you should say something. But the longer I lived in New York the more I began to realize that too often people let things happen and do nothing. Many people witness assaults or other crimes but do nothing because they feel it’s none of their business. While it may be none of your business, in many situations if a witness had spoken up or called the police the situation could have been averted. In the Chris Brown- Rihanna incident, it was a stranger in the neighborhood who called the police after hearing Rihanna call for help. If that stranger never called the police, would the world have ever known?

After a while I realized this subway ad campaign was really important, because people often are reluctant to speak up. I believe this is a common problem not only in New York, but across the United States. This issue is related to teen dating violence because silence and family privacy is a norm that enables violence. According to the Prevention Institute, this norm encourages silence around domestic and dating abuse and discourages those who witness it from intervening. This norm is reflected in the fact that even though teens turn to their friends for help first, “teens also express reluctance to intervene in dating violence situations and did not perceive that their help would be effective.” Thinking about the previous post But What Can I Do?, if you see a friend or a stranger in need, better to do too much than too little.

I would like to urge everyone to step outside of their individual life and think about themselves as a member of a larger community. Be that person who steps up if you witness abuse or another crime in public. You don’t have to be the hero, rush into a dangerous situation, or be overbearing when you don’t know the situation. But don’t simply sit quiet and try to ignore it if someone is being hurt. Call the police or try to safely help the person in need. You may not know if your help is needed, but if you see something it’s definitely worth it to say something.

-AR(BTC intern)