5 years probation?

Chris Brown was sentenced last Monday for the incident involving Rihanna. He plead guilty and was charged with two felony counts, one for assault and one for making criminal threats. He was sentenced to six months of "community labor" and 5 years probation. There has been an ongoing debate on whether or not his punishment fit the crime. Law experts are saying that a sentencing like this is fairly standard for first time offenders. I'm saying, it just doesn't make sense. We wonder why this issue is sometimes taken lightly, why it's ignored, or why some people think teen dating violence is a relatively "new" issue. I won't say I'm an expert on the legal system, but I will say this, is a violent crime like this really worth only a slap on the wrist?

When I read the announcement regarding his sentencing, I shook my head and looked to the sky. It's all too familiar. An immediate thought entered my mind, "We have to change minds, to change laws." My stomach ached a bit. It seems an impossible thought, overwhelming at times, but it's possible...

Brown will receive Domestic Abuse Counseling. That could be enlightening, but without a reason to take it seriously, my hopes that he'll really learn something are not high. I'm not so sure I believe the community service he'll have to perform will be any more than an annoyance to him and his schedule. I do agree that sending someone to jail isn't always a necessary punishment, but sometimes, just sometimes, it is. Along with his mandated domestic abuse counseling, probation, and community service, spending some time locked in an unforgiving environment might just bring about a sense that domestic and dating violence will not be taken lightly. Now if only our legal system could get used to the idea, we might just find ourselves in a better place with this issue. There is a lot we can do to spread awareness, to change minds and laws, to educate each other on dating violence and healthy relationships, I am a part of that movement, and I hope the person reading this will join me.

Do you deserve it?

Despite the fact that most people seem to agree that dating violence is wrong, it seems that many teens are justifying it. If you look at many of the blogs about dating violence, a lot of the comments say that the victim of abuse must have done something to provoke the abuser and therefore deserved the consequences. How does that sound to you? Is it okay to hit your boyfriend or girlfriend just because they make you really upset? Can someone say something to you that justifies you hitting them? Unfortunately many teens feel this way. A lot of them think that violence (physical or verbal) is a part of any normal relationship. A lot of the teens I talk to say that they believe that it is not okay to hit your partner, but many of them admit that they see it happen all the time at school, at home or in their communities.


According to the CDC, 10% of students in our country have been physically harmed by a boyfriend or girlfriend in the past year. And The National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline said that this percentage doubles to 20% for those students who have been in a “serious” relationship. Hurting a boyfriend or girlfriend, be it physically or emotionally, is never a part of a healthy relationship. I encourage you to comment on the blogs and videos where you see people leaving comments that promote the idea that it’s the victim’s fault. Let your peers know that that isn’t the case and abusers should be held accountable for their actions. Each person is responsible for his or her actions and that includes our reactions to other people, no matter how angry we get at them.

Teen Dating Violence Up in the recession?!

Today I came across this article on cnn. The article reports, among other things, that nearly half of all teens whose families experienced economic difficulties over the past year have witnessed their parents abusing each other, and that those teens who reported witnessing abusive relationships at home were more likely to be in abusive relationships themselves. The article also reports that parent-teen conversations about dating violence might be ineffective – citing that 78% of teens surveyed stay in abusive relationships despite their parents advising them to leave.

The survey, sponsored by family violence prevention fund and Liz Claiborne, reports a lot of interesting findings, here are the highlights:

Nearly 50% of teens report being victimized by controlling behaviors from a boyfriend or girlfriend.

24% have been victimized by a girlfriend or boyfriend through “technological means”

“Conversations on dating abuse are difficult and unproductive because both teens and their parents are extremely uncomfortable talking to each other about the most serious aspects of dating abuse.

Only 25% of teens have taken a class about teen dating violence, but 75% of those who have taken such a class now know the signs of an abusive relationship and are confident they could spot abuse in their own relationships.

Relationship Abuse IS a problem and something needs to be done to change these numbers. So what can you do? Help get teen dating violence curricula in your school.

Who does dating abuse affect?

I feel like I’ve been hearing a lot of misconceptions lately about who experiences domestic and dating abuse. A lot of people think it’s an adult problem, or something that only happens to women, or an issue that only comes up in poor neighborhoods or communities of color. I want to take this opportunity to clear something up: dating abuse affects everyone.

First things first. Relationship abuse isn’t just something that only adults or married couples experience. In fact, young women between the ages of 16-24 are at the highest risk for abuse in their relationships. Also, you’ve heard it before but I’ll say it again: as many as one in three teens experience dating abuse. That’s over ten students per any average high school classroom.

Second. Women are not the only victims of abuse. Men and boys can, and do, experience relationship abuse as well. This is an easy thing to be confused about - we certainly do hear about men abusing women much more than we hear about women abusing men, or about abuse in same-sex relationships. I think, though, that this is partly because men and boys are much less likely to report abuse that they experience in their relationships. They may feel ashamed or embarrassed, or maybe they think no one would believe them, or that they’re doing something wrong, or maybe they don’t even recognize their partner’s behaviors as abusive. By avoiding the assumption that abuse only happens by a man against a woman, we can help everyone feel more comfortable seeking help for abuse – regardless of their gender or sexuality.

And finally. Abuse can happen in any community. It does not matter how much money you have, what you look like, how popular you are, how much education you or your parents have, what language you speak – abuse, unfortunately, does not discriminate. By denying that domestic and dating abuse exists, we also deny people the right to speak up when they experience it, the right to receive dating abuse prevention education, and the right to competent and compassionate services for help. The sooner we acknowledge that domestic and dating abuse can happen in our community (and that when it does, it is a community problem) – the sooner we can move forward in trying to end and prevent it.

What myths have you confronted about dating abuse and who it affects? I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Abuse in gay relationships? Apparently not.

Just when we thought we broke through one barrier, it seems someone was quick to put up another. Last week, House lawmakers in South Carolina approved a bill (H. 3543) that will require schools to have policies in place for reporting and responding to dating violence. This bill also requires that schools provide information about teen dating violence to students and their parents—great news, right?! Well no, not exactly. Unfortunately, someone felt it was important to explicitly state on the bill that this ONLY relates to heterosexual relationships. Gays need not apply.

As if making this change to the bill weren’t bad enough, the most disturbing thing about this change is that the bill itself did not make any reference to gay relationships, or any specific type of relationship, for that matter. On May 13, 2009, the bill stated the following:

“'Dating partner' means a person, regardless of gender, involved in an intimate relationship with another, primarily characterized by the expectation of affectionate involvement whether casual, serious, or long term.”

Apparently this wasn’t enough for Rep. Greg Delleney (R-Chester) who requested the amendment and so on May 14, 2009 the bill was changed to the following:

“'Dating partner' means a person involved in a heterosexual dating relationship with another.”

To go out of one’s way to make this point clear is such an overt act of discrimination. Rep. Delleney simply said he did not want children to be taught about gay relationships. It seems he didn’t get the memo which states that the bill is simply intended to teach (ALL youth) about healthy relationships and recognizing abuse. I wonder what he’d say to parents of abuse victims in same-sex relationships—“Sorry, your child just isn’t covered by our policy.”

It’s also mind boggling that one of the original bill sponsors had no issue with the suggested amendment. Rep. Joan Brady (R-Richland) said she wants every child to be protected but that dating violence occurs with more frequency in heterosexual relationships. We have news for you, Rep. Joan Brady…abuse does happen in gay relationships, more than you and I could ever imagine. Oh, and it also happens to the rich, poor, black, white and everyone in between, below, above and beyond.

It’s probably true that we don’t have alarming statistics to show the high rates in which dating violence occurs in gay relationships. But perhaps we’re not asking the right questions. Perhaps we’re not doing a good job of addressing the issue within the LGBTQ community which, by the way, faces greater challenges when seeking help than victims in heterosexual relationships.

And if this is how people in power are likely to respond when they have the opportunity to do something about it, then how could we ever expect victims in gay relationships to report the abuse? Thanks to an obviously callous lack of support, we may never really know how bad it really is. Abuse happens and it happens a lot. Abuse does not discriminate, but sadly people do.
-G

Dating Abuse on T.V??

Today I stumbled upon PADV’s Teen Scene blog (it’s great, you should check it out!) and was struck by an entry that they had written about the Death Cab for Cutie song “I will possess your heart .” If you haven’t heard the song, you can listen to it here and check out PADV’s blog for the lyrics. Among other things, the post talks about how at first listen, the song is catchy, beautiful and melodic. However, when you listen closely you notice that the lyrics paint a picture of someone who is possessive and who, at times, acts like a stalker.

I remember, distinctly, that a few weeks ago, I had heard “I will possess your heart” on KROQ and had thought “these lyrics are creepy/this guy sounds like a stalker/abuser.” I thought that. And then I almost immediately forgot it, until I read the PADV teen scene blog.

The blog also had a post about The Hills and abusive relationships, which made me think about all the instances of abusive behavior I had seen on t.v. lately. That made me think about how a lot of the time, signs of abusive relationships and abuse in general (especially the verbal and emotional kind) go unnoticed on tv, music and in all forms of entertainment. It’s important to recognize abuse as abuse when you see it, whether it be on t.v or in real life, because whether we want to admit it or not, the things that we see around us affect the way we act. Being aware of abuse on t.v. and in the media can help us to better recognize and protect ourselves from abuse in our lives and around us.

Can you think of a song, tv show or movie where abusive behaviors are featured? Do you think seeing abuse in the media has an effect on the viewer? Tell me what you think.

But what can I do?

When I tell people about the work Break the Cycle does, they will often disclose a story about how domestic and dating violence has affected their lives. Sometimes they share a story about abusive relationships they’ve experienced themselves, but more often than not, they’ll talk about the experiences of someone they care about. The common theme in many of those stories is the feeling of helplessness.

When you care about someone, of course you want to do everything you can to protect them from hurt or harm. But when that harm is coming from an abusive relationship, it can feel especially overwhelming trying to figure out what you can do to help.

One really important thing to remember is that just by being there for your friend, you are already doing a lot. Experiencing abuse can be a very lonely time for someone, so simply by being present and supportive you can help lighten that sense of aloneness.

The hard part about being there for someone is that you can’t assume that you know what is best for their specific situation. You can and should be honest about your concerns for their well-being and safety. But at the end of the day, any decisions about the relationship have to be made by the person in that relationship – they are the expert on their own situation and it is important to respect that.

While you can’t take responsibility for your friends’ decisions, you can help support them as they move forward. That support might be providing them with information about abuse and healthy relationships – this can help them think about whether their relationship is as healthy as they deserve. You can also connect them to resources in their community (like Break the Cycle) who can help them think about their options, legal rights, and safety planning. Sometimes support can just be encouraging your friends to continue doing the things they love and seeing the people they love, outside of their relationship. And of course, if you ever believe that they are in immediate danger – don’t hesitate to call 911.

Remember, it is never easy to leave an abusive relationship. There can be a lot of factors that make it difficult for someone to seek help, or leave their abusive partner. Having a supportive, compassionate and thoughtful friend like you can make a world of difference for someone experiencing abuse.

-S

To find out more about teen dating abuse click here