A time for cheer: Dating Violence and the Holidays.

The holidays are often viewed as the happiest times of the year – a time to rejoice with family & friends. Unfortunately, the holiday season is often a time of increased family and personal stress, which can lead to increased incidences of domestic violence. An article in the Seymour Herald reported eight incidences of intimate partner violence this week, arresting both men and women, ages 21-54. The article sited research by the Tennessee Bureau of Investigation that there is usually an increase in domestic violence during the holidays due to “family stress”, alcohol and the economic stress that is put upon families during the holidays.

In the past two weeks, we have seen several prominent individuals involved in domestic incidents - from Tiger Woods over Thanksgiving, to Cincinnati Bengals' Chris Henry, who was allegedly involved in a domestic incident that ultimately led to his death. was a lot of news focusing on two domestic violence incidences that occurred around the holidays, one involving tiger woods (on thanksgiving) and recently, the death of the cincinatti bengals chris henry who was involved in a domestic incident which led to his own death.


While stories of celebrities or sports figures can dominate the news cycle, especially as they are fueled by speculation on social media sites such as Twitter, we cannot and must not forget those victims of abuse who go unheard until tragedy occurs. One such story appeared in the LA Times. Brandon Manai, 28, was convicted Thursday in the murder of his 24-year old wife, Julie Rosas. What is alarming from the story is the visible signs of an unhealthy relationship that were present through their brief marriage - incessant phone calls and texts, late night arguments, showing up unannounced to her place of work. These are all acts identified by the Safe Space as indicators of relationship abuse. While someone was unable to help Ms. Rosas before her death - we can still raise awareness and speak up to help a friend or loved one in need.

The Safe Space has special resources to help if you believe someone is a victim of abuse. Click here to learn more. Or, read the story of Marisol and Luis - a young couple whose relationship became abusive.

Of course, if you believe someone's life is in danger - call 911 and report it. Your call could save their life!

Remember, no matter how stressed out someone might be violence is NEVER the answer and has no place in anyone's life. If you are feeling stressed, communicate your thoughts calmly and respectfully. If you need to leave the situation for a while, that's ok! Both you and the person you are dating will be able to address issues more clearly after a "cool down." Be mindful that each person deserves to be treated thoughtfully, with respect to their own privacy and space.

From everyone at Break the Cycle and The Safe Space, we wish you a very happy holiday season and a safe, healthy, happy new year!

If you see something, say something

All over the New York subways there’s an ad campaign that states “if you see something, say something”. When I first saw these ads I thought they were amusing, but painfully obvious. Of course if you see a crime you should say something. But the longer I lived in New York the more I began to realize that too often people let things happen and do nothing. Many people witness assaults or other crimes but do nothing because they feel it’s none of their business. While it may be none of your business, in many situations if a witness had spoken up or called the police the situation could have been averted. In the Chris Brown- Rihanna incident, it was a stranger in the neighborhood who called the police after hearing Rihanna call for help. If that stranger never called the police, would the world have ever known?

After a while I realized this subway ad campaign was really important, because people often are reluctant to speak up. I believe this is a common problem not only in New York, but across the United States. This issue is related to teen dating violence because silence and family privacy is a norm that enables violence. According to the Prevention Institute, this norm encourages silence around domestic and dating abuse and discourages those who witness it from intervening. This norm is reflected in the fact that even though teens turn to their friends for help first, “teens also express reluctance to intervene in dating violence situations and did not perceive that their help would be effective.” Thinking about the previous post But What Can I Do?, if you see a friend or a stranger in need, better to do too much than too little.

I would like to urge everyone to step outside of their individual life and think about themselves as a member of a larger community. Be that person who steps up if you witness abuse or another crime in public. You don’t have to be the hero, rush into a dangerous situation, or be overbearing when you don’t know the situation. But don’t simply sit quiet and try to ignore it if someone is being hurt. Call the police or try to safely help the person in need. You may not know if your help is needed, but if you see something it’s definitely worth it to say something.

-AR(BTC intern)

Just Playing??

- I work with teens and young adults to teach them about dating violence. We talk a lot about family, friends and the constant pressures and stresses in society. I’ve decided to blog about my experiences and share some of what I learn with you. Be sure to offer your opinions and comment on my blogs! You can also email me with questions or requests to read about a particular topic. You can reach me at tabitha.joyner@breakthecycle.org. Talk to you soon! -Tabitha

We were just playing!!

I usually hear very interesting things when I teach middle and high school students about dating violence. Sometimes I just talk to students to find out what they think about certain issues. One day I asked some students if they ever see their peers physically abusing their boyfriends or girlfriends at school and everyone said no. I repeated the question later and said hitting instead of physical abuse. This time someone mentioned the notion of “play fighting”. Basically partners hit, kick, slap and wrestle with one another, but they’re just playing. Everything’s cool and no one comes away hurt or upset. I asked the students if they ever did this with their partners. Most of the students said that they did play fight and they felt that it was okay. I was shocked to hear that a lot of teens see nothing wrong with putting their hands on someone in this way as long as they’re just playing. Some teens believe that this is how boys and girls show how much they care about one another. Apparently a lot of middle and high school couples engage in this kind of “affection”.

A lot of teachers say that they see couples hit one another in the hallways and classrooms, but when they intervene the students act as though there is nothing wrong. Many adults see this behavior and say that the students lack respect for themselves and for their partners. Many teens disagree and feel that play fighting has nothing to do with how much or how little they respect someone.

But is this really just playful flirting? Who says that no one is hurt by it? Some of the students in the group said that play fighting CAN get out of hand. According to one student, “. . . at first you’re playing, but then someone gets hurt on accident. Then they get angry and decide to hit you back harder . . .” This is usually how these situations escalate into real fights. At this point the angry partner uses the excuse that the other person took it too far and they were just reacting or trying to defend themselves. Often times neither partner is willing to speak up and say that they have been injured, physically or emotionally. They would rather move on and not address what happened.

This is really sad because this is a prime example of physical abuse and it’s happening to so many teens and they don’t even realize it. Hitting your partner is unhealthy, period. Don’t get me wrong, people enjoy pillow fights and the occasional tickle match, but when you can actually hurt someone by YOUR actions (hitting, pushing, slapping, etc), you’ve gone too far, regardless of your intentions.

Tell me what you think about play fighting. Is it something you see at your school? Is it okay to hit your partner? Is it okay for them to hit you?

To learn more about teen dating violence visit
www.thesafespace.org and www.breakthecycle.org